I had planned to write something else for today,
something on last lines in literature. I
still plan to, but right now, there are just too many other things moving
around my head, demanding my attention and thoughts. Write
what you want, what you feel, not what you think is the best or most
acceptable, or something to please someone else. I heard a writer say this once and I wish I
could remember his name so that I could give credit, but there it is,
anyway. I suppose it is appropriate that
I am book-ending this post with my thoughts on opening and closing lines in
literature because that is what I am thinking today: beginnings and ends.
Today I will pick up my daughter for the very last
time at her baby-sitter’s, a wonderful woman who has taken great care of both
of my kids their whole lives. Today I
will be going out in search of a gift that I hope will show her our gratitude
for giving our children a safe, loving happy environment. Maybe it’s the sadness I feel about them not
seeing her again, but none of the gifts coming to mind seem quite good
enough.
On Monday, things will change a step further and my
kids will start school. It will be my
son’s third year and my daughter’s first ever.
I had the privilege of meeting their teachers, both of whom seem
wonderful, and I took home a barrage of information on things we need to know,
do, buy for the school year, etc. It was
exciting and overwhelming at the same time, and these feelings have not let up
in the many hours that have followed.
And then, after we’ve spent the weekend fighting
traffic and crowds to buy all that we need, after we celebrate my daughter’s
birthday, I will walk my children to the classrooms where they will spend the
next nine months learning and (I hope) making friends. I will drive to my job for the first time in
three weeks where, I already know, about ten thousand things await the
attention I will try to give even as I think and worry about my kids (the way I
always do, especially on their first day) and wrap my head around the changes
we will be adjusting to.
It won’t stop there.
In a few weeks, my second job as an adjunct instructor will begin which
means the prep work for that must begin immediately and then, I hope I will get
more work with my third job as a test rater, when the season for that begins
again. Near the end of the month, my
sweet son will start soccer just like he did t-ball in the spring. I’m nervous and hopeful about that, also,
hoping he will do well and make good friends.
I suppose it’s because I’m so shy and have always had trouble making
friends that is triggering these emotions.
I’m so introverted that whenever I go to group gatherings or parties or
meet someone new or what not, I always get the same nervous, heart-pounding,
stomach-churning feeling, struggle to make conversation, end up being quiet to
the point that most people think I am aloof and leave physically exhausted.
It’s a feeling I’ve prayed and continue to pray that
my children don’t have to feel. But, I
digress. These changes, these inevitable
things we all face all the time in life have me all at the same time scared,
excited, sad, happy, hopeful, worried, and many other things. I guess it’s most appropriate to end with a line
I’ve always loved and remembered from the film, Hope Floats. It promotes the
film’s message of hope, one of the loveliest of emotions, something we all need
to feel. In the film Sandra Bullock’s
character is facing some changes (albeit very different from mine) but I think
the message can apply to just about anyone going through some kind of
change. It goes something like this: “Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's
the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at
a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too...”
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