I’m a naturally quiet person. I observe and listen more than I speak. I’m shy.
I enjoy time alone, and when I know I am going to a party or something
with a lot of people, even if I know them, I get tense. My heart starts racing, my stomach starts
somersaulting, and I’m exhausted before I even get there. I’ll spend much of the evening listening,
trying to think of something interesting to add amidst the chatter, and when I
finally work up the nerve to do so, I’ll get the inevitable blank stares, overly
polite laughter or looks of, “Oh, Tanya, I’d completely forgotten you were
there.”
I’ve had family members, friends, people
I barely know tell me things like, “Wow, do you ever talk?” “You’re so quiet. I don’t think you’ve spoken at all.” I’ve had professors threaten to fail me if I
didn’t start speaking up and contributing to class discussions. On the playground in school, I hung around
the big group of girls my age, but was always just on the outside, never really
speaking up and honestly, never really interested. In case you can’t tell, I’ve never been the
most popular person. People don’t
naturally gravitate toward me. I don’t
make friends that easily. I’m not bubbly
or overly excited and it’s because of my quietness and my shyness. It’s sometimes to the point that I give off an
impression of snootiness. A girl I
became friends with in college told me that her first impression of me was that
I was aloof, and then she got to know me.
And as I look at the synonyms for that—remote, reserved, standoffish—I can’t
help but agree. My timidity, my
inability to find what I want to say the exact instant I want to say it, make
me that way.
I remember something I once heard my
aunt say about me to someone who said I was the quietest person they’d ever
met: that I will contribute if I am interested in what you are saying. I get that from my dad, I think. He can talk on and on about subjects that
interest him, but he does tend be quieter on ones that don’t. The thing is, he doesn’t seem to mind if
others talk about things he’s not interested in. He goes about his own work and that’s that.
I, on the other hand, tend to feel left
out, excluded, sad, when I’m not included in a conversation. And let me tell
you, it doesn’t take much to make me feel that way. One look, one lack of acknowledgment, one odd
tone toward me and all of a sudden, all of these aforementioned emotions are
running rampant in my mind. I’m
overanalyzing, thinking, questioning, “Okay, what did I do or not do? What did
I say or not say?”
When it could be nothing at all. But the thing is, why? If I am not really all that interested in the
first place, why does it bother me when they don’t include me or acknowledge me?
I suppose it partly comes from my
grandpa. I remember him asking my mom
once if a co-worker of hers was in a bad mood or if he (my grandpa) had done
anything to insult her co-worker because he’d snapped or something. This is just one example. I have quite a few of my own that remind me
of my grandpa, like when I attended bridal and baby showers I was invited to, and
sent emails and Facebook posts and then when I invited these people to my own baby
showers, they didn’t show. And there was
barely a response to my posts and emails. Hmm, okay feelings a little hurt.
I remember once a Creative Writing
professor, one of my all-time favorites, telling us students that writers are
usually very sensitive people and to remember that when critiquing one another’s
works. Sensitivity can be a good thing
to have as a writer. It means I’m more
keen and aware, but it also means I feel like a turtle without a shell
sometimes, like when I got my feelings hurt.
I’ve taken the long way around and
written a lot, but I guess one thing I am trying to say is this is another
reason I call myself a writer, why I gravitated toward it and why my love for
doing it has not waned in twenty-six years.
Writers listen to and observe society, and they reflect it in their work. I love writing about the things I’ve seen and
done and experienced. It’s therapeutic. What’s more, I love taking my time and
thinking about what I have to say before I say it (or write it). I know some people who don’t enjoy or prefer
writing for this very reason because it does require a lot of work and time and
thought. But that’s a beauty in writing
to me. Sometimes it does take me a while
to realize exactly what it is I want or need to say. If I put something down, I can always take my
time. And if I read over something I’ve
written and decide, “Oh, that’s not what I meant or wanted to say,” I can
change it until it is. This is not
always an option when speaking. When it’s
done, it’s done. There is no delete
button, no revision there, and oftentimes if you try to go back and revise or
clarify or change what you’ve said to the person you’ve said it to, it only
makes it worse (ever see the episode of Frasier
in which he and Lilith are trying to get their son into a prestigious prep
school and keep saying the wrong things to the headmaster? Illustrates the
point well).
So this quietness, this sensitivity and
shyness, I can critique these aspects in myself all I want and accept them all
I want, but the thing is, I hope I learn to embrace and cherish them one day,
because they’re part of the reason I discovered the writer in myself, and why I’ve
kept writing all these years.
In the meantime, I think I’ll just keep
in mind something Ernest Hemingway, one of the best and most well-known
American writers once said: “A writer must write what he has to say, not speak it.”
I hope I remember that the next time
someone comments on how quiet I am. Even
if I don’t say it. J
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